Grief

Grief feels like a punch. It takes my breath away, my sight, my sanity... It's an unimaginable pain that never ceases. 

I was told that there are different kinds of grief. I've basically experienced three kinds: for those who have lost their lives, for those who have left my life and erased me from theirs, and for the loss of something I held dear. 

The first grief cuts you open. It tears you into pieces until you find the strength to rebuild and put all the pieces together. 

The second grief, that one kills you a bit every single day. A message you don't get. A hug that'll never be given again. Until you try to see some empty future ahead of you. 

The last leaves you in the middle of nowhere. Lost without direction, purpose... 

When grief strikes, there's no light. No spark. There's just deep darkness. I go down into a spiral of demeaning thoughts that might drive into insanity. 

Grief is a sequence of punches that may kill me someday.

 

Déjà vu

I've been here before.
I've felt like this before.
This is no strange feeling to me.
Life comes in circles to me: I'm always at the beginning of this never-ending infinite. Living through the same Goddamn thing that makes me feel totally uncapable, unfit.
I should've ended this a long time ago. I can't though. Not because of myself, but because of others that might pay the debt for my sins, my mistakes.
I want peace. But there's this turmoil inside of me that keeps me tethering at the edge of a cliff. One day, I might cave in. One day, I might fall to oblivion.
I won't be even a ghost or memory in my story. I'll be erased.

Done

I'm lying here awake in a dark room. There's no one else. There's me and my thoughts.

Most of my life, I've spent this way: by myself in a dark room. That's what it feels like to be  utterly and painfully alone. 

When you see yourself in this position, you start to wonder what is wrong. The answer can only be found within ourselves. And, it might not be a good one. That's the case.
I look at myself in the mirror and I can't  see anything eye-catching. I look deep into my eyes to reach my soul and it's empty. The light I should see inside of me, it's long faded, extinguished, gone...
What do I feel? I just feel pain. So much pain, I can't even start to describe it. I just wish to stop this pain. I just wish to seize to exist. I'm done living. I'm done lying. I'm done. I'm finished. 

Falling

There was something in the way he looked at and talked to me
Something that frightened me.
Deep down I knew
It was a dangerous deed falling in love and I was getting too close...

Falling... Am I falling?
Am I falling from grace?
Am I falling back down?
Or am I simply falling head over heels in love?

There was so much more to be lived
But, there you were tearing everything down with your silky grin
Looking down at me.

Falling... Am I falling?
Am I falling down under?
Am I falling dangerously in love again?
Or am I simply falling from grace?

Empty words
Empty promises
I was left once again in the dark
And vanished all the spark

Falling... Have I fallen?
Have I fallen down under?
Have I once more fallen into false hope?
Or have I fallen into a deep hole?
I'm done falling...

Collision

I've been left all alone in the dark.

I've been dancing with my demons
We struggle to forget the scars, and they won't go easy. 

There's something comforting to be let down again. 

I've always been scared of being alone

Because in loneliness, I  have to fight my worst enemies within myself. 

I think it is all done:
All the voices in my head are telling me it's over. 

But, truth be told, I used to hide my true self behind the mask that was made for me.

We collided.

You didn't knock. 

You didn't ask for permission. 

You simply invaded,
Took whatever you thought was yours. 

Our worlds, so different, merged together. 

There was no warning signs

There was no saying in it for me. 

That was that. I was hooked.

For too long, I got lost in you.
For too long, we clinged to one another.
That wasn't love, that was dependence.
That was the need to fill in the void
And, that only made the hole go deeper.

Sitting here, writing these words, I wonder...

My eyes got used to the darkness
I got used to unhappiness...
Now, I recoil at the sight of the light at the end of the tunel.
I fear to enjoy the brightness...
Because it might fade away again...

I don't love you anymore.
Perhaps, I'd never loved you anyways.
But, that doesn't make me miss you any less...
In fact, I don't  miss YOU,
I just miss MY idea of you.

We've collided...
We've drifted apart...
We're no longer plural.

I wish you well.
I wish you hell.
And, I wish you farewell.

Amizade?

Melhores amigos. 
Não passavam de melhores amigos. 
Irmãos, nascidos em famílias diferentes, com pais diferentes, criações diferentes. 
Meus melhores amigos. 
É engraçado pensar no nome que são dadas às coisas que existem no mundo. Melhores amigos.Soa como um troféu. "Pelos momentos que passamos juntos. Pela amizade que me concede. Aqui, Tome. Melhor Amigo."
Engraçado. Uma combinação de duas palavras que parece importar para muitas pessoas. 
Uma responsabilidade muito grande. 
Amigo. Apenas isso não seria suficiente? 
Parece que não. 
Esse 'troféu' torna algo diferente? O que sente? 
Haverá o título Piores Amigos? Se há o melhor, poderá haver o pior também, não? 
Dicotomia. Paradoxos. 
Chego a conclusão que tive melhores e piores amigos. E os encontrei nas mesmas pessoas. 

Não é o suficiente

Agarrei a mão de um caído que a estendia, para ajudá-lo a endireitar-se. Ele quis mais. Quis que eu o acompanhasse no caminho e agisse como uma muleta. Assim o fiz. Não por bondade. Cativou-me. Prendeu-me. Vivi à sua sombra. Vivi à sua espera. Vivi à disposição de sua vontade. Acreditei que me tinha amizade. Acreditei que me tinha amor. Estendi minha mão. Ela ficou ali, pairando pelo ar. O caído que apoiei, ali não estava para auxiliar. Esqueceu-se de minha assistência. Esqueceu-se de mim. Abandonou-me. O que penso hoje é que nada foi suficiente. Que sempre preciso dar mais do que posso oferecer. E, mesmo assim, não é o suficiente.